BY DILIP BOBB

Graft Dodging

After 50 years of fee-dom, the Indian Government has succeeded in putting the country into the international Top 10 in at least one category -- corruption. Which explains why the official Indian greeting is the namaste; it can be messy shaking hands with grease all over your palm. But does the life of an average Indian hafta be a viscous circle? With the President and the prime minister launching a joint attack on corruption, here are some suggestions that might help.

Bribe Insurance Policy: The LIC will offer a comprehensive premium cover which will offer a full refund of all bribes paid in the normal life-span of policy-holders. Since official receipts are not provided for services so rendered, the policy will take into account the average amount paid on a cradle-to-grave basis, including birth certificates and jumping the cremation queue. Naturally, it does not feature a no-claim bonus.

Telephone On Tap: A new scheme launched by MTNL which will provide mobile phones instead of the plug-in versions, thus cutting out middlemen and linesmen who believe that a receiver refers to them and not the instrument. The phones will be supplied by No-kia, which is the normal answer you get when you call MTNL to inquire about the phone you paid for two years ago.

Pre-paid Traffic Violation Card: To stop the practice of traffic policemen demanding bribes for overlooking traffic challans, motorists and public transport carriers will now be able to purchase pre-paid cards of various denominations. Though traffic violations will now be semi-legal, at least it will stop the practice of bribing policemen who will now punch the card instead of punching innocent passers-by during vip movement.

Passport On Demand: Rather than being available under the table, it will now be placed under an autonomous body. The chairman will be Narasimha Rao and the vice-chairman will be Chandraswamy, both of whom have considerable experience in getting passports issued without the usual run-around from pillar to post office. They will be given extra-constitutional powers which is what they had anyway. The new passports will be valid for all countries except St Kitts.

Anti-Corruption Cell: Announced by the prime minister, this will be set up in the PMO so that he can monitor the graft graph. Anyone asked for a bribe will be able to call in and register a complaint. The cell has already started functioning and complainants are able to hear a recorded message which intones: "You are in the queue."

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