June 15, 1998

Dilip Bobb

Critics of Finance Minister Yashwant Sinha's budget have been unanimous (both of them) in pointing out that it's biggest flaw is that it does not take into account the sanctions imposed by Uncle Sam and other arms-givers. They have obviously missed the smoke signals. Not the hike in the prices of cigarettes and petrol but the hidden swadeshi agenda which lists a series of measures to counter the sanctions. Here are some of the most creative ones.

Harvard's Revenge: Professor Subramanian Swamy will be sent back to re-educate the Americans, much like he did at Harvard. His ability to destabilise enemies and allies alike will be an invaluable tool in confusing American policy makers. By the time he is through, they will be ready to lift the sanctions in return for India getting him to return.

The NRI card: This is a cleverly disguised measure to create a reverse brain drain. By eliminating the hassles of getting visas and other clearances, the Government estimates that millions of NRIs will spend their dollars here instead of in their adopted countries. Earlier, non-resident Indians were keen to come to India but by the time they got their visas, their passports and traveller's cheques had expired.

Educational counters: Will stop sending students to American colleges. This will result in a reduction of at least half the student population in American campuses, leading to a serious financial crisis in academia. It will also result in poor results since most American students think Indians wear feathers in their hair and scalp their enemies.

Bollywood Ban: Now that it is an industry, Bollywood can be arm-twisted into filming its pelvic thrusts exclusively in Indian locations. What this means is that the current trend for shooting every dance scene in western countries, especially in summer, will cease, causing a major dent in the economies of those countries, considering the size of every film crew and the length of their stay -- May to September.

The Boston Tea Party -- Part Two: All patriotic Indians will travel to Boston carrying packets of tea instead of papads and pickles. This will be dumped in the harbour as a symbolic protest. Of course, with the price of tea having doubled after the latest budget, this will also increase the number of Indians living below the poverty line. However, as a Pandit once said, it's an expensive business keeping the Indians in poverty.

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