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VIEWPOINT: FLIP SIDE
Stopping The Sleaze
By Dilip Bobb
The corridors
of power are deserted these days. The shadowy figures that normally hang
around, carrying bulging briefcases and brown paper packets, have crawled
back into the woodwork leaving behind the stench of soiled banknotes.
Pollution levels have dropped, the air seems cleaner, but it has been
replaced with a growing air of resignation. Through the murkiness, a string
of officials can be seen emerging from press conferences having sworn
their innocence, but refusing to resign. To stop the sleaze, the government
has issued a set of measures and guidelines. Here they are.
 Spot
the Stinger Equipment: All offices in the Ministry of Defence, including
the residence of the defence minister, will be fitted with Spot the Stinger
equipment imported from Russia or Israel. Bids have been invited and,
once the BJP president decides which one to buy, the system will instantly
sound an alarm when a sting is taking place. It can spot a journalist
disguised as a middleman, a middleman disguised as a politician, a serving
officer who is actually a middleman, a middleman who is the honorary consul
of a foreign country, a middleman who is actually a middleman, or any
other existing combination. The system is fairly middling, hence the need
for a back-up system. Bids have been invited.
Check the Labels: Another order has been
placed by the Ministry of Defence, via various trustees and affiliated
groupies, for a system that will scan the labels on all bottles being
delivered to senior serving army officers. The hi-tech system is meant
to check low life trying to live the high life and will sound the alarm
every time it spots a Blue Label. Research and analysis done by the Research
& Analysis Wing, has shown that any army officer who suddenly switches
from Hercules XXX rum to Blue Label scotch is deemed to be looking for
a bigger kick. Or kickback, as they call it in the army mess these days.
Guilty officers will be blacklisted: in other words, no Black Label either.
Currency Cleaners: All party offices,
or official accommodation being used as party orifices, will be equipped
with currency cleaners. These are to ensure that no dirty deals are taking
place and old, soiled notes are laundered before being photographed or
pushed into a drawer. It is intended to make deals more black and white.
There will be two drawers marked In and Out, for those who claim to be
"in" and those who are caught and declared "out".
Language Decoder: In order to restore
the badly tarnished image of the army, all senior officers serving in
positions where they can influence defence deals will be obliged to wear
language decoders. Also called Oath of Office, these are devices used
as a devious method of television censorship where any offensive words
used in conversation with outsiders, specially those similar to B...er,
F...er, B...dy, or its Hindi equivalent B.....hod, will be edited out
so there is no incriminating television footage which is unfit for family
viewing or for children below the age of 16.
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