The apple may have been the biblical provocation for the alpha couple, but the banana could soon be rooting for the much-maligned title. Shakuntla Dawesar should nod her head in agreement. Instead, she shakes it in perplexity. A Delhi-based marriage counsellor for 30 years, she is yet to come across a more bizarre reason for marital discord. The near-divorce couple that recently came to her was ripped apart over bananas. "I like them placed spine up in the fruit basket, otherwise they rot faster," says the miffed wife. "He says it doesn't matter. It matters to me." The reasons for sparring are, of course, keenly contested. Another couple, firmly entrenched on the MNC ladder, is fighting over who should pick up whom after work, if at all. "She has this notion of togetherness which means going home together after work and it just doesn't suit him," says Dawesar. The matter is nowhere close to being resolved.

BUILDING BREACHES: Richa and her husband respect each other's need to be alone

The crossover from sacred matrimony to formidable divorce seems to have been reduced to seemingly inconsequential issues. But while experts are divided over definitions-some like Dawesar call it "bickering over trivial issues", others like psychologist Sanjay Chugh refer to it as defence of "comfort zone"-they agree that it is leading to a restructuring of marital boundaries. Space, or as Ritu Menon of Kali for Women, a publishing house, calls it "negotiated space"-who gets to call the shots in a relationship, and how much-has always been an issue in a marriage. But due to, what Menon calls "the economic independence of women" and what Chugh calls "the breakdown of the male-female prototype" in households, space in the modern Indian marriage is being negotiated to such an extent that it has pushed the boundaries of the institution-no longer a coupling, but a cohabitation of individuals-making it almost unrecognisable. Whether it is with separate bedrooms, territories marking out his books and CDs from hers or even friends with invisible His and Her labels, space has become a zealously guarded possession, and in some cases, the new mother-in-law in a marriage.

Says Saptarishi Singh, a TV producer who lives with his wife Shweta, a hotelier, in a small, two-room flat in Mumbai: "We like to watch different TV programmes and also have different work timings. It makes better sense to have separate spaces than to have each other's timings interfering with sleep patterns." In Delhi, Rohit Bali, a journalist, and Sona, an artist, have different toilets. It helps keep the who-will-go-to-the-loo-first fights at bay while readying for work. As homes become smaller, space becomes more important. Says psychologist Madhumati Singh: "The smaller the living space, the more psychologically imperative it is that each person be allowed his or her corner."

If separate living spaces signified marital problems earlier, for post-liberalisation adults in their late 20s and early 30s with too many channels, choices and work pressures that make time a precious commodity, it is an acknowledgement of individual preferences and lifestyles. "Women are no longer expected to conform to the traditional stereotype of the ideal spouse and men are no longer allowed to conform to it," says Chugh. As a result, staking separate ownership does not apply only to gadgetry and bathrooms, but also to social circles. Richa Lahiri, a pr executive in Delhi, says, "We have seen our parents live out of each other's wallets and cupboards. It does not have to be that way anymore." For her, space means being able to have a social life different from her husband Toto, a marketing manager with a management consultancy. "My mother was required to accompany my father, an army man, to official parties. I am thankful I'm not expected to do it. There is no peer pressure either; it is understood that women have careers and don't have to tag along with their spouses."

A large part of this transformation, say experts, has to do with how women perceive their roles. Says counsellor Arpita Anand: "Couples enter into a wedlock thinking it will be only one of the roles they will perform and that it will not keep them from fulfilling other roles." So even as literature from the Indian subcontinent continues to romanticise suffocation in the marital maze, for a whole generation of women who identify more with Ally McBeal than with Madhu Kapur's battling-boredom-within-four-walls protagonists, individuality has become a way of life rather than a yearning whined about in agony columns. The fast paced reality of jobs and hectic social lives leave little time for pondering and resentment. Take Anoop and Shimona. The associate lawyers at top rated firms in Delhi often take separate holidays. Many of Shimona's friends are single and she teams up with them for a weekend in Goa or the south. Anoop is often too busy to take time off, but doesn't see why it should come in the way of Shimona's holiday. His relatives, however, find it odd and have mentioned it to his parents.

Lahiri, also a believer in separate holidays, says she understands her husband's desire to be alone. "Last year, he needed some time alone and went off for a week to McLeodganj," she says, adding, "I too go off to my parents on my own. We are happy to be together, but when either of us expresses a need for space, the other doesn't resent it."

An increased need for individualisation, specifically expressed by women, is on the rise, say counsellors, citing the shift in case studies. While domestic violence, in-law problems, dowry demands, resentment over domestic chores and lack of emotional support by men continue to be prime reasons for marital discord, also wresting their way to the list for the first time are issues not voiced before. Clash of different work cultures, the woman's insistence on including her family and friends in her life on a daily basis and the right to use material possessions-bought jointly-are now among the top five reasons for "negotiations" that counsellors deal with.

Says Dawesar: "Each person feels he/she reserves the right to take individual decisions about his/her life. This can range from going out alone with colleagues for a film or taking a job transfer outside the city without having the spouse interfere." But because space-and the perceptions of individual respect that it brings with it-is relative in nature, the feared fallout in future, warns Dawesar, will be discords over "trivial" issues, with accepted ideas of "togetherness" becoming a casualty.

But where couples understand each other's needs, discords need not arise. Take Chennai-based Ajit Bhaskaran, who owns a TV production company, and his wife Rekha, who splits her month between Thiruvananthapuram and Chennai as a special projects coordinator with Toons Animation India. Three months ago, the couple had a son who is now in Thiruvananthapuram with his grandparents. "People frown at us, asking how we can leave the baby with my parents. It is hard, but that's how life is," says Rekha. The two-room flat in Chennai may not permit separate rooms, but their territories are well defined and respected by both. "It's not a conscious effort ... we respect each other's personal space, mental and physical," adds Ajit.

While most agree that men have not changed as much as women, there is a decided shift. According to Anupam Mittal of marriage portal shaadi.com, the profiles of male clients on his website show they are not resisting the trend, but welcoming it. "The profiles of both men and women reflect strong independence in choosing partners," says Mittal. Men are realising that to get space in marriage they must ensure the women have theirs, and vice versa. But in a bid to avoid the togetherness from intruding into space, they may now have to deal with too much space intruding into togetherness.

— with Arun Ram in Chennai