When you ask Prakash Javadekar, BJP spokesman, about television actor Gajendra Chauhan joining the party, his first reaction is: Who is he? Clearly, either he has missed the cheesy sight of two has-beens, star papa Suresh Oberoi and Chauhan, flashing the victory sign to the assembled media in the presence of party President M. Venkaiah Naidu. Perhaps he was, like much of the nation, underwhelmed by the BJP's search for stardust. Or perhaps, he was blinded by the brilliance of film actor Poonam Dhillon's shampoo advertisement hair.

HEMA MALINI FILM ACTRESS STRENGTH: Wonderful presence, age-defying glamour. WEAKNESS: Is only a reader, not a leader; can only remember Basanti dialogues.

For in quick succession, the party has inducted Bollywood's ultimate "Dream Girl" Hema Malini, TV's wicked mum Sudha Chandran, Oberoi, Chauhan, Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi's good bahu Prachi Shah, Dhillon, professional Northeasterner Bhupen Hazarika and even Jumping Jackflash Jeetendra, who is so reluctant to acknowledge his entry into the BJP that he insists he will campaign for friend Praful Patel of the Nationalist Congress Party and Maharashtra Chief Minister Sushil Kumar Shinde. "But if they have formally inducted me into the BJP, I don't want to contradict them," says a wanting-to-please-them-all Jeetendra. That clearly left the Congress only with eternal baddie Shakti Kapoor.

In this relentless star parade, the only sight worse than a blushing Hema Malini speaking Hindi like Sridevi's caricature in Malini Iyer is Shah's mistaken belief that the cadre-based party is kind of a spic-macay. "I would like to be a cultural mascot and use the party to spread cultural awareness," says the 23-year-old in the midst of training for a kathak performance in Agra.

The brainchild of Venkaiah Naidu and BJP General Secretary Pramod Mahajan, the wish-upon-a-star campaign is meant to sprinkle some confetti on BJP. The stars are canny enough to realise it. Listen to Malini. As the gravity-defying 55-year-old puts on her make-up in the green room in preparation for her impending performance in Mumbai, it is clear she has come a long way from the days of her "Ask Mummy" replies. "My first public speech was written by my mother. I just mugged up the lines and delivered them. But now I know the formula-first, you talk about the party and its achievements, then about the party leadership. After that, you have to read out the manifesto of the local leader and tell the people that he or she will fulfil all promises made. In the end comes the Sholay line, 'Chal dhanno teri izzat ka sawal hai/BJP ko vote dedo meri izzat ka sawal hai,'" says Malini.

SUDHA CHANDRAN TV STAR STRENGTHS: Articulate, wants to appeal to core constituency. WEAKNESS: Busy, tied up with work.

She may be honest enough to admit that politics is a bit of an act but there are some who speak with the worryingly earnest zeal of a neo-convert. Dhillon calls herself an actor with social awareness. Oberoi, who has done little except interfere in his son Vivek's movie career over the past year and stand in with menacing ferocity for the genial Farooque Shaikh in Zee TV's Jeena Isi Ka Naam Hai, exclaims that he gets at least three film offers a week, all of which he rejects because he wants to serve the nation. His main aim: to ensure there is mental hygiene among Indians. "Ever since I found enlightenment from my guru Dadalakshmi," he says, "my life has changed." So in between rounds of golf and 10 days at a stretch of vipassana, the 57-year-old ("I don't look it, do I?") who was first approached by the Congress to join the party in Andhra Pradesh in 1986, says he has decided to remove anger, frustration and polluted minds.

If there is Oberoi's kooky New-Age spiritualism, there is also Smriti Z. Iraani's vaulting ambition. As vice-president of the BJP's youth wing, the 27-year-old mother of three (two her own, one from her husband's first wife) says she will always lead by example. She will never hold a glass of wine, smoke a cigarette, promote infanticide or Sati on screen. Never mind that she will suffer an adulterous husband and a hooligan son as Tulsi in Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi. Iraani is by far the most politically aware-and politically correct-new entry, perhaps because she was trained by Mahajan whose brother-in-law Gopinath Munde was instrumental in her joining the party in November. If she is the ideal daughter-in-law, Chandran, the wiggly browed Ramola Sikand of Kahin Kissi Roz, has decided to position herself (she has an artificial leg) as the "messiah of the handicapped". And what better party than the BJP, she says, which has improved the economic situation of the nation so much that "now when you go to a foreign country, you don't feel like buying anything". This is a recurring theme with the star entrants: India is shining because Chandran's maid and spot boy have a mobile each and because Oberoi's maid has only two children as opposed to his father's eight.

And if you think that is simplistic, you ain't heard nothin' yet. Chauhan, a legend in his (and only his) liftetime, believes that "every Hindustani should be a Hindu first and then should come the religion. Unless this feeling is cultivated there will be conflicts. Hindus should be given their rights in Hindustan as the country belongs to them". His source of education is the Mahabharata, not surprising given that he played the role of Yudhisthira in the mega serial. It is not to say that actors make bad politicians. History is littered with examples of those who made a smooth transition: from being an Austrian-born airhead to a governor with bipartisan support has been a remarkable achievement for Arnold Schwarzenegger. As it was for former US president Ronald Reagan whose faith in wife Nancy's astrologer raised the bar for hocus-pocus as a replacement for good politics.

But it says a lot for our politicians that they feel compelled to resort to cardboard characters despite repeatedly attacking the Congress for its bankruptcy of ideas. In terms of engaging the media, it has the same use as inducting a Gandhi-as a diversionary tactic. But such is the competitive populism now that each senior member of the BJP is cashing in on his or her credit. So if Naidu has roped in Telugu actors Suman and Sharat Babu in the South, Sushma Swaraj has snagged 78-year-old Hazarika, whose dream for the past two decades has been to improve conditions in the Northeast.

SMRITI Z. IRAANI TV ANCHOR STRENGTHS: Knows what she wants. Kept herself out of the women's wing, joined the youth division instead. WEAKNESS: Her ambition will have to be satisfied at regular intervals by the party high command.

Such inductions add unintentional hilarity to the serious business of politics. Who would not like to listen to Navjot Singh Sidhu's verbal bouncers, especially as the series against Pakistan is yet to begin? Politics is like a barber's chair, anyone can fit into it, he said the other day. It has to be said that the BJP has to be grateful for the stars' time. Chandran, 39, is one of TV's busiest actors, working in three daily soaps and one weekly serial, which is about to air. She works from 8 a.m. to 10.30 p.m., often with little sleep, switching from the foxy mother-in-law of Kahin to the tarot card reader on the forthcoming Karma. India Today caught up with her in Delhi as she was on the way to Vaishno Devi for a day. Malini was busy performing while Chauhan insisted that with five serials on air on DD, he should be called the king of dd1. Sidhu is travelling with Naidu before the India-Pakistan tour begins. "Politics is about working for the downtrodden, not flashing a red light on top of your white Ambassador to display your power," he says.

Iraani, who has toured Chhattisgarh, Rajasthan and Gujarat, feels that real work begins only after the cameras leave and the mikes are untangled. Her mantra, which sounds as if it has been borrowed from a TV channel, is: "Jaban pe hai sach aur dil main hai India (Truth on the lips, India in the heart)." Even the delicate Malini-who wants to lead a cultural charge into Pakistan-faced payback time when Advani asked her to campaign for the BJP in Rajasthan and Madhya Pradesh for the December elections. "People are star struck. They would come to see me and just stare at me with such loving eyes-what more can you ask for?"

Perhaps it's time they took a stand. Ask Malini about Gujarat and she says she will let that pass. "Let's talk about peace and harmony instead." The 300 films-old Oberoi says the Gujarat riots were the equivalent of a daag (spot) on the chand (moon). Chauhan goes one better and says the matter is sub-judice. All of them swear by Vajpayee's stature, which brings us back to the starting point: if Vajpayee is the real star then why have item numbers?