Shaan Mukherjee, the star singer, and his wife Radhika, are type A parents: focused, committed, concerned. Radhika, a stewardess with Swiss Air, quit her job before her son Soham was born. While pregnant, she read extensively on birth and children, played spiritual music and completely cut down on partying. At three months, Soham was playing with flash cards and touch-and-feel books. At 11 months, he was in an exclusive playschool enjoying mum-toddler sessions. Radhika's shelves are stacked with books on raising contended children, yet she is wracked by uncertainty. "I see another woman with a child and I wonder if I'm playing enough with my son," she says.

Parenting didn't always come with a report card. The earlier generations, relying on instinct and good sense, simply "raised" children. Today, urban mums and dads "parent". Rearing children has evolved into an investment-centric, structured science with oodles of professional advice from counsellors, books and the Internet. There are as many theories as there are babies, and parents raising children in a liberalised India are bombarded with choices. There is a virtual smorgasbord of toys, books and classes that seduce with promises of clever, confident youngsters. A generation of parents is struggling to wade through information, options, and competition and give their child a headstart. In the race to raise superkids however, some become hyper-parents. But experts warn that too much pressure is a dead-end street. The key to good parenting is to know your child, understand his limits and achieve a fine balance.

According to the 2001 census, there are 35 million children below six in urban India. This translates into multitudes of mums and dads anxious to be perfect parents. On a sultry Sunday morning in Mumbai, around 150 of them are attending the Infant Siddha Programme (ISP). Its two-and-a-half-hour-long sessions held once a week and stretching over nine weeks claim to help parents dramatically improve the emotional, mental and spiritual development of their children. The ISP brochure says that a four-year-old child can read an encyclopaedia, do binary functions in maths, play violin, and that every child has "an infinite capacity to learn from conception". Does the ISP work? Since it was started over three years ago, more than 2,000 parents have paid Rs 1,500 each hoping that it does.

Parenting is becoming a learned art form. In Mumbai, upmarket schools like J.B. Petit and Cathedral and John Connon School conduct age-specific workshops on effective parenting. Dr Nirmala Rao, founder of psychiatric clinic Avishkaar, has conducted workshops on parenting for the staff of HPCL, IOC, even the Income-Tax Department. In Delhi, the Macademia Soft Corner, a pre-school with 140 children, found parents so eager for advice that it began counselling sessions. In Chennai, The Activity Company holds "life skills" coaching in schools and Know Your Child workshops for parents.

Meanwhile, books that cover the gamut-from conception to talking sex with teens-are flying off the shelves. R. Sriram, CEO, Crossword Bookstores Ltd with its 16 outlets across India, estimates that sales are increasing by 25 per cent annually. There are over 300 parenting titles available (see box). Rina Mehta's Mumbai Mums' Guide, a book on everything the modern mum needs (from diapers to dance classes), is now in its second edition. The Bangalore Mums' Guide was released last year while Delhi's is on its way. And though Dr R.K. Anand's Guide to Childcare is considered to be the subcontinental answer to Dr Spock, there just aren't enough India-centric tomes.

Which is where the Internet kicks in. In May 1999, Nirali Sanghi, a US-returned investment banker and mother of two, launched Indiaparenting.com. With 10,000-odd pages of parenting goodies, the site notches up 30,000-50,000 visitors per day. The site has been so successful that it is creating its own brand of books. The first called Growing Pains will hit bookstores by year-end and another called 15 Simple Steps to Help Your Child Read will follow. Meanwhile, Mustformums.com, started by Mehta after the success of the Mums' Guide series, has 5,162 members and has been visited by 2,69,192 parents.

Shaan, Radhika with five-year-old Soham Shaan is a professional singer and Radhika is a former stewardess. CHILD MANTRA Radhika quit her job, read extensively on birth/children and cut out partying. At three months Soham was playing with flash cards and touch-and-feel books. At 11 months, he was in an exclusive playschool.

"Young couples are taking parenting very seriously," says Mumbai psychiatrist Pervin Dadachanji, who holds workshops in schools and private sessions for mothers. A 2001 study by Egmont Imagination India Limited, a company with 146 pre-schools and 3,000-odd children's products, found that parents are more aware and consider early childhood issues critical. They are also willing to spend on products that promise a headstart. Hoping to inculcate good reading habits, mothers are buying books for three-month-old babies. Vikas Phadnis, Egmont's director of marketing, puts the kiddie print market at Rs 500 crore and growing at 20 per cent annually.

Toys, a Rs 1,500 crore market, are doing even better. Mattel India recorded a 55 per cent growth in business in 2002 after it focused on the urban Indian parent rather than have a pan-India strategy. Research conducted by the company says that parents believe toys are essential for development and are "not a frivolous indulgence".

Perhaps the most startling symptom of power parenting is the nationwide profusion of classes ranging from bread-craft to interview coaching. Devised by Pandit Birju Maharaj, Kolkata's Padatik Dance Centre offers kindergarten Kathak classes, teaching little ones the basics of dance form through nursery rhymes. More popular is the film and contemporary dance section, where 400 children learn Shah Rukh Khan's latest moves.

In Chennai, the latest craze is enriching maths and logical skills based on the Abacus Technique. U.C. Mas Mental Arithmetic, which targets four-12 year olds, has over 18,000 children enrolled in 100 franchisees across India. In Ahmedabad, parents are rushing for courses like Little Scientists and Human Computer. The 10-20 week course costs Rs 2,000, but the wait list is long.

Nirali Sanghi with daughter Shyamoli, 6, son Siddhant, 3 The US-returned investment banker and mother of two founded indiaparenting.com. CHILD MANTRA Mumbai-based Sanghi offers advice to parents on her website on everything ranging from case studies to beauty tips for harried mothers. Now she is in the process of writing books on parenting.

It's a familiar story across urban India. In Delhi, Planet IQ, which focuses on computers and creative learning, is expanding to 14 centres across India and setting up schools in Dubai and Dhaka. In Chandigarh, it is not uncommon to find toddlers taking guitar lessons. Cash-rich Ludhiana isn't far behind. When a four-and-a-half-year-old kindergarten student sent an application for a long leave, the teacher was concerned enough to call her house to ask if all was well. It was, her parents replied. The girl had been sent to Delhi for a personality development course that she couldn't undertake during summer vacations because of the heavy rush.

These classes cost between Rs 100 and Rs 1,000, a small price to pay for the child's development. In Mumbai, Laveena Mitha holds phonics and general knowledge classes for children over three. A former schoolteacher, she follows the programme advocated by the Philadelphia-based Institute for the Achievement of Human Potential. The mantra: the first six years are the genesis of the genius. "This is the time of maximum growth," she says, "whatever you put in now is brain food". For parents, it is an irresistible offer-Mitha teaches 18 children a day, five days a week and has a long waiting list.

A tectonic shift in value systems, rising affluence, fast disintegrating support systems and soaring competition are some of the factors that have redefined parenting. Many upper-middle class parents like Mumbai's Himani Yadav are opting for fewer children so they can focus exclusively. Yadav does not want to divert attention from her three-and-a-half-year-old daughter. So she was reading books to Mihika when she was five months and told her the planets' names at one-and-a-half years. "I have a child who is slightly superior," she says. "I want to give her every opportunity to grow."

Infant Siddha Programme Started over three years ago in Mumbai. CHILD MANTRA Claims to help parents improve the mental, emotional and spiritual development. Over 2,000 parents have paid Rs 1,500 each to learn how.

Other mothers echo Yadav. A 2002 Pathfinders study of 10,000 married women in 38 towns in India reveals that over 35 per cent women were hopeful of their children doing better than them. In the east, north and south zones, over 34 per cent women agreed it was "better to send children to expensive schools even if it means spending more money".

"In the past five years, the society has become increasingly child-centric," says Rao, "and parents who have put in time, energy and money into their children are looking for a return on investment." Usually, the trouble starts here. Modern urban parents want their children to have the best and be the best. Delhi paediatrician Anupam Sibal, medical director, Indraprastha Apollo Hospital, divides parents into two categories-high achievers and high earners, and those who did not or could not have everything they wanted. Both groups have high expectations from their children. This, along with increasing competitiveness and affluence, leads to hyper-parenting. "An overreaching succeed-at-all-cost drive has become the bane of modern parenting," says Panjab University psychologist Anuradha Bhandari. In a 2002 study by the Post-Graduate Institute of Medical Education and Research on 1,500 children between eight and 12 years in Chandigarh, 20 per cent reported physical punishment for not getting the expected grades.

Sociologists agree that a major faultline in parenting is the tendency to replace compassion and communication with cash. Instead of spending time parents consider spending money on their children as having done their bit. Dr Nandini Mundkur, chief executive of the Bangalore Children's Hospital and Research Centre, recalls how a doctor pushed her son so that he was looking at picture books by one, playing organised sport by two and going for violin lessons at three. But at six, he refused to go to school and needed psychiatric help. "The superkid is a myth," says Mundkur. Chennai's Dr B.S. Virudhagirinathan, a clinical neuro-psychologist who specialises in stress disorders in children, agrees. He once treated a teenager who began stammering as she was pressured by her grandparents to learn Bharatnatyam and classical music seven days a week. Says Mumbai-based psychiatrist Harish Shetty: "Most parents have a mythical fear of the future. They want to pre-empt the child's life."

So what is the modern parent, accosted by advice and anxious to be flawless, to do? To begin with, say experts, differentiate between a happy and a successful child. Jennifer Foote Sweeney, editor, Life, calls the superkid a "parent pornstar". The happy child is inherently successful but the reverse isn't always true. Subjecting children to a slew of activities does not lead to either education or enjoyment. Says Mundkur: "A child will learn what he enjoys, not what he is forced to do. The important thing is to lay a long-term foundation."

Usha Nayar, vice-president, Child Watch International, an Oslo-based agency with 44 member-nations, says that parents need a paradigm shift from obedience (rigid rules) to negotiation (flexible behaviour) when dealing with children. "Most aware parents make the mistake of ignoring a child's natural characteristics, especially when they live their ambition through their children. Extreme parenting is injurious to a child's developmental health." Adds H.L. Kaila, head of the psychology department, SNDT University, Mumbai, who has specialised in child and adolescent issues: "Parents should not bombard children with multiple inputs to transform them into superchild role models. It is not about showcasing their parenting skills but about the child's healthy growth."

Children are not produced from the same cookie-cutter. As Shetty says, "Some are born with books in their hands, some with fists and some with nothing at all." Parents need to understand their child's potential, build his confidence and provide opportunities at the right time. Says Shetty: "There is enough scientific evidence to show that early stimulation does not necessarily lead to greater intelligence. Parents must provide reasonable stimulation and allow the child to grow at his own pace."

Sheena Misra-Ghosh, counsellor with the Society for Nature, Education and Health, Kolkata, advises continuing one activity for a longer time. "You can see if the child has the aptitude for it. In fact, making Junior go through too many extra-curriculars all at once will strangle his creativity." But experts warn against over-scheduling. There must be unstructured time for a child's imagination to grow. Each child is an individual and has his own internal barometer. So parents must evolve their own art of rearing children. The important thing is to trust oneself. After all, it has been done before.

-with bureau reports