What Men Want

The exclusive nationwide survey reveals some startling findings. as Indian men continue to place purity above passion, a majority of them are sensitive to their partners' fulfilment and do not treat sex as power play.

It is clear that the leftover myths of male adolescence-size, frequency, duration and number of partners-do not contribute to the ultimate sexual experience. Even so, both sexes seem to live in some kind of illusion about each other. Women believe that men want only sex and men think women want only love. But it is what lies in between these two that best explains love and longing in India.

How important is sex in your life?
Very Important	51
Important	38
Indifferent	6
Not important	3

Men want sex. Even when they are in love and sometimes to the exclusion of romance. Supposedly, this truism explains everything about male sexuality. So why a survey? Because only a study could reveal that what men want may not necessarily be what they need. If there is one visual metaphor that explains this survey, it is that of a vast battlefield where a lost war is being fought. The unlikely warriors are the everyday babus, clerks, professors, doctors, salesmen and executives who like gladiators are valiantly fighting to defend conservatism. If you thought that bare-bodied women with fire in their bodies and erotic fantasies on their minds unleashed male libido, think again. Sure, the average Indian man wants sex. After all, 89 per cent men rate it as important to very important. But they say they want sex with coy, virginal, beautiful, sari-clad women who should then become their wives. And once wedded, these women should neither fantasise in bed, nor ask for oral sex or deny sex to their husbands, whether they like sex or not.

Last year, in India Today's similar study of women, conflict defined their sexual freedom. Women hid the real face of their desire behind don't know/can't say choices. Men haven't chosen don't know/can't say options but they too have placed chastity on a pedestal. Most agree that pleasure should be equal for men and women but only 9 per cent will always give oral sex to their mates. A majority of them say they find intelligent women attractive and that they don't judge women by their clothes or sexual consent, but even a greater number think that sex is a marital right. Aishwarya Rai may be a global goddess, but for the Indian man his wife or lover is his fantasy woman. Quite unpredictably, men appear more guarded than women. So much so that 44 per cent say they have never ever masturbated.

Which part of a woman's body are you sexually attracted to?
Eyes	16
Face	10
Hair	5
Breast	43
Waist	7
Vagina	7
Legs	1

It is time perhaps to put aside the limiting assumption that men blindly want sex. And wonder about their needs when they are not in lust. Is there a crisis in Indian manhood? Some admit there is. That they are unnerved by women settling personal scores by misusing laws. But many say sex is not just sex-their sexual preferences symbolise what they want from life. So why should the details of the act of sexual intercourse define what they need in their lovers?

In 2004, when freedom is a buzzword, Indian men seem shackled by myths of manhood. They are defined by appearance and aggression, money and achievement, silence and brooding, swagger, flexed biceps and surefootedness. But not by their emotions. Their confusion is seen either as a testosterone surge or as the scars of poor mothering. What passes off as the essence of masculinity is so basic that it can be extracted, bottled and sold back to them. Literally, like Viagra. In India, male sexuality is understood through four stereotypes. Boyfriends whose first fumbles betray the stirrings of machismo. Husbands who insist on sex as a right. Browsing voyeurs who buy sexual release in sleaze bars. And rapists who silence women's emotions forever. But where is the discourse for the thinking, sensitive lover?

Sometimes the only value a father passes on to his son is power. And the mother tells him to wear manhood like an armour, not feel it as a searing emotion. So when the son has to father his own liberation, he realises that the breastplate is fused with his soul. Ripping it off may cause unimaginable hurt. Conservatism is less painful. But the consequence of safe choices is a huge sense of loss. For men and women. The rest of the survey proves this as marital sex comes out as a dispassionate chore not a simmering, evolving flame.

So does this study tell us what men want? It actually does. It suggests that men are not just a sum total of their instinctual drives. Let's not forget that they have written the most romantic poetry, the most erotic texts, painted the most sensual pictures even as they can take their lovers on wild rollercoasters of ecstasy. Ironic, that in the land of the virile Shiva, the flirtatious Krishna and the incorrigible Vatsayana, today's Indian man willingly suffers the label of the prude.

In India, sexuality remains a cause in search of a rebel.

Do you share your sexual fantasies with your wife/girlfriend Yes 64 No 29 When did you first have sex? In school 14 In college 27 After engagement 9 After marriage 46 What do you prefer in foreplay? Kissing 45 Massage 20 Looking at body parts 13 Undressing your partner 13 Watching a blue film 4 Would you like it if your partner treated you as a sex object? Yes 48 No 41 Do you think women/girls take sex too seriously, confusing it with commitment? Yes 57 No 28

Does your wife/girlfriend understand your sexual needs? Yes 73 No 14 What do you fantasise about? Women in revealing clothes 35 Women in water with you 28 Women talking dirty 11 Two women together 10 Where do you feel does the sex appeal of woman lie? In her beauty 34 Positive attitude 21 Sexual skills 15 Intelligence 13 Submissiveness 11 Do you believe in equal pleasure for man and woman in bed? Yes 76 No 16 Are women as enthusiastic about sex as men are? Yes 64 No 26

How old were you when you first had sex? 18-26 years 65 27-40 years 20 Do/did you expect your bribe to be a virgin? Yes 72 No 16 Dosen't matter 7 What do you think of premarital sex? It is wrong 35 Depends on the couple's commitment 34 It is perfectly all right 25 Will you marry a woman who admits she has had premarital sex? No. 77 Yes 13 All figures in per cent; Rest: Don't know/Won't say

METHODOLOGY

Street-corner sampling was used to locate eligible respondents. They were asked to complete a self-administered questionnaire. The completed questionnaires were put in a ballot box by the respondents to ensure anonymity. Only those questionnaires which were at least 80 per cent complete were taken into consideration.    RESPONDENTS' PROFILE The sample size was 2,499 men across 11 cities in India. It covered married and unmarried men between 18 and 55 years. On an average, 230 men each were studied from Delhi, Mumbai, Kolkata, Chennai, Bangalore, Hyderabad, Lucknow, Ahmedabad, Jaipur, Patna and Chandigarh. Three age groups were studied: 842 unmarried men in the 18-26 age group; 835 married men in the 27-40 age group; and 822 married/separated men in the 41-55 age group. The respondents could be divided into 1,246 men from the middle class (SEC A) and 1,253 men from the upper-middle class (SEC B). About 65 per cent of the respondents were graduates and above. Nearly 32 per cent respondents were salaried, another 47 per cent business-men/self-employed. Students constituted 16 per cent. One-third of the sample size consisted of unmarried respondents. Among those who were married, 86 per cent had children. Respondents were also profiled according to their lifestyle. One in every five respondents had a credit card. Around 56 per cent of the respondents ate out in a restaurant at least once a month. Nearly two-thirds went for a holiday at least once a year, while half of them owned a cell phone.    PREVIOUS SURVEY In 2003, INDIA TODAY alongwith AC Nielsen-ORG-MARG conducted a sex survey among 2,305 women from 10 cities in India. This was the first-ever, comprehensive, all-woman study in India that looked at a woman's secret sexual desire. The obvious message of the survey was that womenbelieved in conformism, not liberation, when it came to sex. While 66 per cent said sex was important in their lives, a staggering number said no to premarital, extramarital and kinky sex. Eighty-five per cent of them first had sex after marriage, 87 per cent had never had kinky sex, 75 per cent had never masturbated and 81 per cent had never had extramarital sex. Peculiarly, conflict resonated in the survey-across cities and age groups. Don't know/Won't say (DK/WS) seemed to be the women's favourite option, leaving the investigators and the analysts wondering about what women really want. When asked about oral, anal, bisexual and group sex, 41 per cent of the respondents said DK/WS. Asked what they would do if their partner refused oral sex, 49 per cent reiterated DK/WS. So much so that while responding to the question where all had they had sex, 42 per cent said DK/WS, whereas only 40 per cent of them ticked "bedroom". Contradictions were apparent because after ticking conformist options, 58 per cent said they knew at least one woman who had had an extramarital affair while 22 per cent of them had had extramarital sex with their spouse's friends. A majority knew where their erogenous zones were, some found oral sex an essential ingredient in good sex and most listed orgasms as important.

GUEST COLUMN: SHEKHAR SESHADRI

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