| Staged Coach  Ravi Shastri, bless him, is always game for a quote. Like in his playing days, he is also game for some mano-a-mano confrontation. Asked about rumours of infighting and factions within the Indian team, Shastri, the stand-in manager on India’s blood-curdlingly daunting tour of Bangladesh, shot back, “Did you see any groups? I have seen a lot of bull honey being written and said over the last few days...” These words promise to rise above mere coachspeak and become the stuff of legend. It is an achievement: it took Shastri mere days in charge of the Indians to produce this gem. Mind you, he was nearly pipped at the post by Joaquim Carvalho, India’s latest hockey coach, also known as That Guy in the Ejection Seat.  Carvalho’s newspaper column after a defeat to Australia was headlined, “We scored more brownie points than Australia”. Excellent news, but perhaps scoring some goals would have been more useful. Maybe it was a vicious headline writer. But hey, let’s give credit; when did an Indian team last rattle up the brownies against Australia? Coachspeak involves many arts: some sugar-coating of the truth (e.g. Carvalho), some subterfuge (e.g Shastri), a lavish dose of bravado (e.g. Jose Mourinho and his “the best team lost” after every Chelsea defeat) and baffling profundity. The Speak is part of the modern coach’s profile, it adds to his aura. It’s the aura that makes him oracle-like. After a draw in Zimbabwe, ex-England coach David Lloyd’s response was a mystic “We flippin’ murdered ’em”. Greg Chappell has recently left us with Encyclopaedia Britannica-sized volumes of his wisdom. Including a pithy, “Nothing’s a disaster”. Don’t mean to be rude, GC, but wouldn’t a certain Indian World Cup result qualify? The Sun Tzu-quoting John Buchanan was reportedly called “Pluto” by his players because he was “so out there”. But his team won heaps, which meant Buchanan had earned bragging—and preaching—rights. It is when the numbers don’t add up that words become the coach’s only refuge. What can we do, they lament, the oafs we manage refuse to do as masterminded. Sometimes coaches even say they’re sorry. Sorry that they were wrong about their players who are not brilliant prospects, just lazy, overpaid so-and-sos. Which is why watching and hearing Shastri promises to be a riot. It’s going to be bull honey or bust.
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